George Carlin Quotes

“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept”

“Always do whatever’s next”

“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity”

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.”

“If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!”

“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands”

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