Starting the sarcastic list with,

“Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.”

“I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.”

“I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.”

“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
~ Stephen Bishop

“People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.”
~Russel Baker

“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”
~Abba Eban

“I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.”

“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.”
~Samuel Butler

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”
~ Oscar Levant

“A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.”

“The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.”
~ Frank Zappa, But that should be India, compared to which United States’s Law’s are like Stalin’s?

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.”
~ Victor Borge

“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”
~ Charles Pierce

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
~ Clarence Darrow

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”
~Cynthia Heimel

“She’s the first in her family born without tail.”

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“I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am.”
~Homer J. Simpson

“Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.”
~Batman costume warning label

“I have opinions of my own — strong opinions –but I don’t always agree with them.”
~George Bush,

“If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure.”
~Dan Quayle

“It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago”
~ Dan Quayle

“We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
~Dan Quayle

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
~Yogi Berra, But then Yogi Berra Was a different Character altogether.

“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.”
~ Britney Spears,

“I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.”
~Richard (Dicky) Nixon

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
~ Brooke Shields

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
~Lee Iacocca

“Life is very important to Americans.”
~Bob Dole, U.S. Senator from Kansas

“Most of my cliches aren’t original.”
~Chuck Knox,

“The internet is a great way to get on the net.”
~ Bob Dole,

“A verbal contract is not worth the paper it’s written on.”
-Samuel Goldwyn

“We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.”
~Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

“Don’t pay any attention to the critics–don’t even ignore them”
~Samuel Goldwyn

“Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything.”
~ Ivana Trump

“Thank God, I’m still alive.” But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.
~ Sen. Barbara Boxer, after the San Fransisco Earthquake

“I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
- Shaquille O’Neal, when asked if he visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.

” The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.”
~Dwight Eisenhower

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“Take it easy — but take it.”
~Woody Guthrie

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
~ Erica Jong

A funny advice by Woody Allen “Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.”

“Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that’s no reason not to give it.”
~Agatha Christie

“To accept good advice is but to increase one’s own ability”
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need the advice.”
~Bill Cosby

“She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it)”
~Lewis Carroll

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
~Erma Bombeck

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.”
~Gloria Steinem

“If I had to give young writers advice, I would say don’t listen to writers talking about writing or themselves.”
~Lillian Hellman

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
~ Napoleon Bonaparte

“Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it.”
~ Publilius Syrus

“Never complain and never explain.”
~ Benjamin Disraeli

“The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.”
~Oscar Wilde

“Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.”
~ Dave Barry

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But remember this graduation saying before giving any speech
“Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.” ~Garry Trudeau

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~ E. E. Cummings

“Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success.”
~ Robert Orben

“There is a good reason they call these ceremonies “commencement exercises.” Graduation is not the end; it’s the beginning.”
~Orrin Hatch

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.”
~Nelson Mandela on education, a great advice for graduates.

“Graduation is only a concept. In real life every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that, you’ll make a difference.”
~Arie Pencovici

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.”
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Here is a famous graduation saying, “The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.”
~Aristotle

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.”
~A nice graduation saying from Ralph Waldo Emerson

” Put your future in good hands – your own. ”
~ An inspirational graduation quote by an Author Unknown

“Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught.”
~Oscar Wilde

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that “individuality” is the key to success. ”
~Robert Orben

“A professor is someone who talks in someone else’s sleep.”
~W.H. Auden

“At commencement you wear your square-shaped mortarboards. My hope is that from time to time you will let your minds be bold, and wear sombreros.”
~Paul Freund

To add some humour to your graduation advice:
“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”
~Fred Allen

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“There is only one real tragedy in a woman’s life. The fact that her past is always her lover, and her future invariably her husband.” ~Oscar Wilde

“The only way a woman can ever reform her husband is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life” ~Oscar Wilde

My husband’s a director, so he understands what I do.
Sasha Alexander

“The ideal that marriage aims at is that of spiritual union through the physical. The human love that it incarnates is intended to serve as a stepping stone to divine or universal love.”

~ Mohandas K. Gandhi~

If divorce has increased by one thousand percent, don’t blame the women’s movement. Blame the obsolete sex roles on which our marriages were based.
~ Betty Friedan

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. ~Mark Twain

“When a wife has a good husband it is easily seen in her face.”~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.
Simone de Beauvoir

“My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes.” ~Unknown

My husband does so many romantic things for me, it’s absurd.
Jennifer Beals

“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”~Joyce Brothers

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. Groucho Marx

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Here are some of my favorite graduation quotes:

“A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. ”

“Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.”

“All that stands between the graduate and the top of the ladder is the ladder.”

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”

“Borrowing a word from Aristotle, “The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet. ”

“Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. ”

“All our dreams can come true…if we have the courage to pursue them.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.”

“It takes most men five years to recover from a college education, and to learn that poetry is as vital to thinking as knowledge.”

“Life is my college. May I graduate well, and earn some honors.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success”

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ”

“You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world.”

“Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance!”

“Of course there’s a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don’t take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.”

“A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.”

And on business by ford, “A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business. ”

“Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.”

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. ”

“Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.”

“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.”

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“I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.”

I didn’t find this too funny, but some of you might, “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” Perhaps because I cook good and I don’t laugh at others cooking ”See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.” very funny!

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” But the Turkey breast is quite lean.

This is a funny farmer saying,

“Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey – until Thanksgiving.”

Something funny on, “God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.”

There are jokes and sayings on Turkey, and there is this: “Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.”

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Here are some nice quotes and sayings that you can print or draw on your Tees
“I am busy! You are Ugly! Have a Nice day!” Attitude Tees

“What are you staring at?” Right across the Chest

” I have Attitude, Do you mind?”

“To be honest, I never liked you much anyway!”

“Save Your Breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date.” LOLzzzz

“Take my Advice, I don’t use it anyway!”

“This Ain’t a Beer Belly, This is a fuel Tank for a Sex Machine!”

” I Wouldn’t be so Paranoid If Everyone Wasn’t Out to Get Me.”

Now this dead funny ” HEADS you give me some tail, TAILS you give me some head!”

“I used to drink a lot; I still do, but I used to, too!”

“IF YOU TRY TO FAIL AND SUCCEED WHICH HAVE YOU DONE ”

“EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO BE STUPID you are abusing your privileges ”

“Objects in t-shirt are LARGER than they appear ”

“It’s only funny until someone gets hurt… then it’s Hilarious.”

Another of my favorite, ” I don’t know what makes you so dumb, but it really works ”

“I am too sexy for my hair, thats why it is not there ”

IT’S A KILT!
If I wore something under it, then it would be a Skirt!

Written right across the Boobs, ” I wish these were brains”

NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR BLOG: A geek Quote!
“I DO WHAT THE VOICES IN MY PANTS TELL ME TO DO”

[Pic courtesy]

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“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
~W.C. Fields

“The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol. “~Mignon McLaughlin

“A hangover is the wrath of grapes. ”

“Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.”
~ Bob Marley

“When the wine goes in, strange things come out. ”

“Candy Is dandy, But liquor Is quicker”
Ogden Nash…or bring me the brandy eh?

“One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. ”

“If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi. ”
~Author unknown

“Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”
~ Winston Churchill

“You don’t have to be a beer drinker to play darts, but it helps. ”

“Drunkenness is simply voluntary insanity”
~ Seneca

“Candy is Dandy, but Liquor is Quicker”

“When the wine goes in, strange things come out. ”
~Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schille

“Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it’s compounding a felony. ”

“You don’t have to be a beer drinker to play darts, but it helps. ”
~Author Unknown

“I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won’t let himself get snotty about it. ”
~Raymond Chandler

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to f*ck”

“Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.”

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“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”

“We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.”
~George Carlin

“What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?”
A poultrygeist!
~Joke

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
~Jon Stewart

“Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.”
~Kevin James

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
~Johnny Carson

“Who does not thank for little will not thank for much. ”
~ Estonian proverb

“The pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts … nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving. ”
~H. W. Westermayer

“Why did the turkey cross the road? To get to the other side ”

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?”

“I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. Will it take longer to thaw?”

“If pilgrims were alive today, what would they say? Do not resuscitate. ”

“In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.”

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.”

Share your humorous thanksgiving quote below..

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