There are only two kinds of people in the world, The Irish and those who wish they were.

Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don’t want to press your luck.

You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

A goose never voted for an early Christmas.

The best way to get rid of your enemies is God’s way, by loving them.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at who He gives it to!

An Irishman has an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains him through temporary periods of joy.

The Irish are a fair people; they never speak well of one another. ~Samuel Johnson

Be kind to those that meet you as you rise, you may pass them again as you fall

That’s a fine doorful of a woman.
~(of a tall, large woman)

The devil invented Scotch whiskey to make the Irish poor.

That man would talk the teeth out of a saw.

Two good things: a young man courting, an old man smoking. Two bad things: an old man courting, a young man smoking.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.

May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.

You’ll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind.

May God bring good health to your enemies enemies

In Heaven there is no beer, that is why we drink it here.

Who gossips with you will gossip of you.

May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.

Oh, he occasionally takes an alcoholiday.
~Oscar Wilde

I drink to your health when I’m with you,
I drink to your health when I’m alone,
I drink to your health so often,
I’m starting to worry about my own

Keep in with the bad man for the good man won’t harm you.

May you be afflicted with the itch and have no nails to scratch with!
Irish Curse

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.

It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead the rest of your life.

Here’s to your coffin…
May it be built of 100 year old oaks which I will plant tomorrow…

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
~Anonymous

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
~Victor Borge

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas.
~Robert Kirby

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
~Kin Hubbard

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
~Dick Gregory

I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.
~Harlan Miller

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
~Author Unknown

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
~ Phyllis Diller

Christmas itself may be called into question, If carried so far it creates indigestion.
~ Ralph Bergengren

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
~Anonymous

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
~Johnny Carson

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
~Joan Rivers.

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
~Erma Bombeck

Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it
~ Richard Lamm

Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home. ~Carol Nelson

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
~Kin Hubbard

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
~ Shirley Temple.

There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.
~W.J. Cameron.

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.
~ Anonymous

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
~Brendan Francis

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
~Brendan Francis

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~ Groucho Marx

Love at first sight is cured by the second look.
~American proverb

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.
~La Rochefoucauld

Lovers are fools, but Nature makes them so.
~Elbert Hubbard

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.
`Thomas Hardy

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener!
~Unknown

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
~Ambrose Bierce

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred
~Unknown

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
~Unknown

I think, therefore I’m single.
~Unknown

God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him
~Unknown

I thought I was in love once, and then later I thought maybe it was
just an inner-ear imbalance.
~Benton Fraser

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
~Woody Allen

Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it
a few times.
~Rita Rudner

What they call “heart” is located far lower than the fourth waistcoat button. George Lichtenberg
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.
~Mae West

Law and love are the same; romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection. ~Ally McBeal

Starting the sarcastic list with,

“Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.”

“I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.”

“I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.”

“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
~ Stephen Bishop

“People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.”
~Russel Baker

“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”
~Abba Eban

“I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.”

“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.”
~Samuel Butler

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”
~ Oscar Levant

“A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.”

“The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.”
~ Frank Zappa, But that should be India, compared to which United States’s Law’s are like Stalin’s?

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.”
~ Victor Borge

“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”
~ Charles Pierce

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
~ Clarence Darrow

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”
~Cynthia Heimel

“She’s the first in her family born without tail.”

“I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am.”
~Homer J. Simpson

“Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.”
~Batman costume warning label

“I have opinions of my own — strong opinions –but I don’t always agree with them.”
~George Bush,

“If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure.”
~Dan Quayle

“It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago”
~ Dan Quayle

“We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
~Dan Quayle

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
~Yogi Berra, But then Yogi Berra Was a different Character altogether.

“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.”
~ Britney Spears,

“I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.”
~Richard (Dicky) Nixon

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
~ Brooke Shields

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
~Lee Iacocca

“Life is very important to Americans.”
~Bob Dole, U.S. Senator from Kansas

“Most of my cliches aren’t original.”
~Chuck Knox,

“The internet is a great way to get on the net.”
~ Bob Dole,

“A verbal contract is not worth the paper it’s written on.”
-Samuel Goldwyn

“We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.”
~Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

“Don’t pay any attention to the critics–don’t even ignore them”
~Samuel Goldwyn

“Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything.”
~ Ivana Trump

“Thank God, I’m still alive.” But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.
~ Sen. Barbara Boxer, after the San Fransisco Earthquake

“I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
- Shaquille O’Neal, when asked if he visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.

” The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.”
~Dwight Eisenhower

“Take it easy — but take it.”
~Woody Guthrie

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
~ Erica Jong

A funny advice by Woody Allen “Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.”

“Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that’s no reason not to give it.”
~Agatha Christie

“To accept good advice is but to increase one’s own ability”
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need the advice.”
~Bill Cosby

“She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it)”
~Lewis Carroll

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
~Erma Bombeck

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.”
~Gloria Steinem

“If I had to give young writers advice, I would say don’t listen to writers talking about writing or themselves.”
~Lillian Hellman

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
~ Napoleon Bonaparte

“Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it.”
~ Publilius Syrus

“Never complain and never explain.”
~ Benjamin Disraeli

“The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.”
~Oscar Wilde

“Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.”
~ Dave Barry

But remember this graduation saying before giving any speech
“Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.” ~Garry Trudeau

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~ E. E. Cummings

“Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success.”
~ Robert Orben

“There is a good reason they call these ceremonies “commencement exercises.” Graduation is not the end; it’s the beginning.”
~Orrin Hatch

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.”
~Nelson Mandela on education, a great advice for graduates.

“Graduation is only a concept. In real life every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that, you’ll make a difference.”
~Arie Pencovici

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.”
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Here is a famous graduation saying, “The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.”
~Aristotle

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.”
~A nice graduation saying from Ralph Waldo Emerson

” Put your future in good hands – your own. ”
~ An inspirational graduation quote by an Author Unknown

“Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught.”
~Oscar Wilde

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that “individuality” is the key to success. ”
~Robert Orben

“A professor is someone who talks in someone else’s sleep.”
~W.H. Auden

“At commencement you wear your square-shaped mortarboards. My hope is that from time to time you will let your minds be bold, and wear sombreros.”
~Paul Freund

To add some humour to your graduation advice:
“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”
~Fred Allen

“There is only one real tragedy in a woman’s life. The fact that her past is always her lover, and her future invariably her husband.” ~Oscar Wilde

“The only way a woman can ever reform her husband is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life” ~Oscar Wilde

My husband’s a director, so he understands what I do.
Sasha Alexander

“The ideal that marriage aims at is that of spiritual union through the physical. The human love that it incarnates is intended to serve as a stepping stone to divine or universal love.”

~ Mohandas K. Gandhi~

If divorce has increased by one thousand percent, don’t blame the women’s movement. Blame the obsolete sex roles on which our marriages were based.
~ Betty Friedan

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century. ~Mark Twain

“When a wife has a good husband it is easily seen in her face.”~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.
Simone de Beauvoir

“My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes.” ~Unknown

My husband does so many romantic things for me, it’s absurd.
Jennifer Beals

“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”~Joyce Brothers

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. Groucho Marx

Here are some of my favorite graduation quotes:

“A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. ”

“Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.”

“All that stands between the graduate and the top of the ladder is the ladder.”

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”

“Borrowing a word from Aristotle, “The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet. ”

“Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. ”

“All our dreams can come true…if we have the courage to pursue them.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.”

“It takes most men five years to recover from a college education, and to learn that poetry is as vital to thinking as knowledge.”

“Life is my college. May I graduate well, and earn some honors.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success”

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ”

“You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world.”

“Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance!”

“Of course there’s a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don’t take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.”

“A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.”

And on business by ford, “A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business. ”

“Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.”

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. ”

“Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.”

“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.”

“I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.”

I didn’t find this too funny, but some of you might, “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” Perhaps because I cook good and I don’t laugh at others cooking ”See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.” very funny!

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” But the Turkey breast is quite lean.

This is a funny farmer saying,

“Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey – until Thanksgiving.”

Something funny on, “God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.”

There are jokes and sayings on Turkey, and there is this: “Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.”