What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
~Anonymous

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
~Victor Borge

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas.
~Robert Kirby

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
~Kin Hubbard

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
~Dick Gregory

I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.
~Harlan Miller

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
~Author Unknown

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
~ Phyllis Diller

Christmas itself may be called into question, If carried so far it creates indigestion.
~ Ralph Bergengren

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
~Anonymous

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
~Johnny Carson

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
~Joan Rivers.

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
~Erma Bombeck

Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it
~ Richard Lamm

Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home. ~Carol Nelson

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
~Kin Hubbard

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
~ Shirley Temple.

There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.
~W.J. Cameron.

“Thanksgiving to God is an exuberant response to giving me his everything, by giving Him my everything.”

“They made us many promises, more than I can remember, but they kept only one; they promised to take our land, and they did.”

“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues. ”

“I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.”

“Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.”

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. ”

“Absent in body, but present in spirit.”

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.”

“Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach’s sake.”

“Work hard and become a leader; be lazy and never succeed. ”
See even the bible says so.

“It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

“Bear one another’s burdens. ”

“Think not that I am come to send peace on earth; I came not to send peace, but a sword”

“Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down”

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ … ”

“For the fashion of this world passeth away, ”

“Wisdom is the principle thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.”

“Strength and honor are her clothing: and she shall rejoice in time to come.”

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God”

“It is more blessed to give than to receive. ”

“If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death.”
This is a very true Bible quote.

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”

“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them.”

“If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.”

“A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish man despiseth his mother.”

“If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.

“Everything is possible for him who believes.”

More Bible Quotes.

“I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.”

I didn’t find this too funny, but some of you might, “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” Perhaps because I cook good and I don’t laugh at others cooking ”See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.” very funny!

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” But the Turkey breast is quite lean.

This is a funny farmer saying,

“Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey – until Thanksgiving.”

Something funny on, “God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.”

There are jokes and sayings on Turkey, and there is this: “Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.”

“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”

“We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.”
~George Carlin

“What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?”
A poultrygeist!
~Joke

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
~Jon Stewart

“Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.”
~Kevin James

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
~Johnny Carson

“Who does not thank for little will not thank for much. ”
~ Estonian proverb

“The pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts … nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving. ”
~H. W. Westermayer

“Why did the turkey cross the road? To get to the other side ”

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?”

“I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. Will it take longer to thaw?”

“If pilgrims were alive today, what would they say? Do not resuscitate. ”

“In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.”

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.”

Share your humorous thanksgiving quote below..

The Kaiser asks Bismarck, “Can you prove the existence of God?” Bismarck replies, “The Jews, your majesty. The Jews.”

“Anyone who teases you loves you. ”
~ If only more people understood it. My wife gets angry when I tease her.

“In a restaurant choose a table near a waiter. ”

“Not to have felt pain is not to have been human.”

“We have some Jewish members of Congress, not a lot but there’s a bunch of us.”
Gary Ackerman

“A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

“A mother understands what a child does not say.”

“First mend yourself, and then mend others.”

“As you teach, you learn.”
~ Which makes the Jews such fine teachers.

“Do not speak of secrets in a field that is full of little hills.”

“Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. ”

“Intelligent people know of what they speak; fools speak of what they know.”

“A half-truth is a whole lie. ”

“Don’t open a shop unless you know how to smile.”
- No wonder they are the best traders

“A mother understands what a child does not say.”

Don’t be sweet, lest you be eaten up; don’t be bitter, lest you be spewed out.
This one is my favorite Jewish Proverb